Friday, May 13, 2011

Conspiracy of the decade

for entertainment only. This fake news story could not get published in The Onion so I "broke the story" here.

Reese Witherspoon is the latest conspirator identified in the plot to convince the public of a real life relationship between Twilight Saga co-stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Witherspoon and Pattinson co-starred together in the Fox production of "Water for Elephants"

While discussing Pattinson, Witherspoon told British newspaper The Daily Mail, "I know his girlfriend (Twilight's Kristen Stewart) really well, and he's met my husband."

Did Witherspoon marry Hollywood talent agent Jim Toth this year to lend further credibility to the "perception" that Pattinson doesn't bed every female he encounters? That is one question being asked by a group of Truth seekers who seek to free Pattinson from being forced to spend time with Stewart. "it's tragic he is unable to choose who he spends his time with," says a spokeswoman for the nameless group.

Plots of this complexity have not been seen in decades. The "romance" scheme rivals the coverups of the murders of President Kennedy and his brother, Bobby. The alleged Moon landing by NASA is another example of such skilled manipulation of the public.

Summit Entertainment concocted the scheme. Their goal is to maximize profits for the remaining two movies in the Twilight Saga. It's is believed that if Pattinson and Stewart were viewed as co-stars only, Summit would barely recover it's production costs.

Summit has demonstrated it will stop at nothing to achieve this deception.
The list of the forced interactions between Pattinson & Stewart is too
long to list.

Summit has ordered Pattinson and Stewart to be in the prescense of each other for birthdays, holidays, and any of their so called "downtime." Stewart has been sent to Europe on a few occasions, including a trip to Budapest on her 20th birthday in 2010, so that Pattinson would not be viewed as "available."

The plot was escalated recently when the two stars were forced to "rescue" a shelter canine, days away from euthanasia. While Pattinson discussed the dog with the media during his movie promotion duties in Europe, Stewart was ordered to walk the dog in New York City in clear view of the paparazzi.

Summit's greatest asset in the scheme are the personalities of Stewart and Pattinson. Both refuse to discuss their personal lives and seem determined to have privacy. Unlike most celebrities, they will only discuss their work. They avoid the paparazzi with the skill of cold war era spys. Such determination to avoid attention is the obvious give away to their real intent.
"Why else would they be so determined to keep their lives private if they were not covering up a fake relationship?," says our source, who claims to represent Pattinson's "true fans." This group counters the conspirators with their own counter operations, mostly tasks designed at slandering Stewart.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


  1. Thank for your efforts in revealing this nefarious plot. It is truly unbelievable how far Summit has gone to force these two to maintain this farce.

  2. ROTFLMAO!!!! perfect Post Dan !!! amazing !!!

  3. hahahahahahaha! too funny!

  4. does beammeup not understand sarcasm? have i seen this moniker on some of those tweets from the conspiracy theorists?

  5. Yes, beammeup is being sarcastic as well. You may recall that Rob used the word "nefarious" in the Elle UK interview

  6. Dan, OMG, you have hit it "out of the park" with this one. I hope you don't mind if I link this on Twitter and send the link to some friends. This just shows how unbelieveable these people are, yea, just like the moon walk, etc.

    Liz in NC

  7. At last another person who understands the subtle workings of the Hollywood Studio's minds! Bravo! Keep up the good fight!

  8. OMG! How did I miss you posting this!! *tears-laughing*. That Summit... they suuuuure are convincing... especially now that BD is OVER. Wow. Wonder how much they had to pay her to walk the dog in NYC. AND then fly to Toronto. *smh*

    lol. Perfect post. Cant wait to see how the 'plot' thickens next... hopefully with a full on kiss at the MTV awards. =).